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Dear Brus

I never thought I’d use the word “devastated”.   Our only son has just told us he is gay. Over the years he has introduced us to several good friends, we never thought anything about it.  He has served overseas in war hotspot areas when we thought his safety was our biggest worry.  He is our son and we will of course always love him, but we are just so – heartbroken – to think that we will never have grandchildren.

I know this sounds selfish.  I know it took him a lot of courage to tell us.  We just didn’t know what to say – and we still don’t.  After speaking with us he left and that’s been over a week ago and we have had no contact.  And also how do we deal with friends wanting to know when our son is going to get married, etc…?


Hola Heartbroken,

Yes, it is understandable that you are shocked and upset to learn that your son is gay, and to realize that you didn’t have a clue as to his sexual preference until now. Giving birth and raising a child is accompanied by the best wishes for success and happiness for him. How we each define these sentiments differs widely from person to person.

However you feel now about his being gay, key to your letter are the words, …”we will of course always love him…” This is not incidental; it is the most important element in your relationship with him. If you really think about this, there are no “buts” to follow this statement. Yes, he is not who you would like him to be. At the same time he is the son you raised and love, and he loves you. Otherwise, it would not have meant so much to him to finally tell you about his sexuality. He is indeed a man of courage to be able to open this topic with you.

Please don’t wait too long to contact your son. I often find that a letter or email is a good way to begin. This allows you time to think what you want to say, and to choose your words carefully. He seeks understanding and acceptance by his parents, and he needs to know that this will take time for you. At the same time, he will know that underlying everything is your deep love for him.

As far as the issue of grandchildren is concerned, there are a number of ways that he can have a child, and you a grandchild, if he is interested. Adoption and artificial insemination involving a surrogate mother are options. I guarantee that, if he chooses to have a child, he will need all the help he can get from you.

If you seek to know more about the issues of being gay, visit www.pflag.org. PFLAG, an organization founded in 1972 by a mother with a gay son, can provide you both information and support.

Heartbroken, if you do open to him, even a little, you may find that you will come to understand and accept his choices, and even be proud of his courage to be himself. Then you’ll find you’ll have no problem at all dealing with your friends.

Take Heart,


By | 2013-08-29T15:13:48-05:00 July 3rd, 2013|Hola Brus|Comments Off on Heartbroken

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